Real Life

It has been a while since I have talked about my Auto immune disease Hashimotos. It is something that wants to control my life. But I am struggling to make sure that I am the one in control. It can affect my mood, my appetite, my energy, my happiness, everything. I have been with a holistic chiropractor, who has done a few tests to test my food allergies and my adrenal levels. I have 26+ food allergies. Including lettuce, bananas, avocado, eggs, corn, wheat and dairy. It makes it hard for me to want to go out with friends and be social, since we are such a foodie society. There are very few restaurants that I trust to eat at. Even home cooked meals, I am very picky about what exactly is in my food. I stick to my staples of food everyday. All meats, (except red meats and pork), all fish, all veggies, most fruits (except those I'm allergic to) and my sunflower seed butter. My diet is very basic. It includes a LOT of prep. I can't just grab something as I'm running out the door, because my options are so limited.
I have been asked to not look just at the bad that has come from Hashimotos. I have been asked to look only at the good things. So here they are:

- I have learned to cook.
- I know so much more about the body, and how to take care of it. Especially mine.
- I am trying to retrain my brain that I eat the way I do because I love and respect my body, and that I am not actually deprived of the good foods I crave (chocolate), because my body is intaking such nutrient dense foods that are healing for me.
- I am learning that I am not my Hashimotos. And that one second I can be crying for no reason, or be completely anxious. It is not that I am crazy, I just have hormonal issues.
- I have learned that people really struggle. But majority of people hide it and put on a face. I don't want to put on a face. It is something I really do struggle with. I struggle to be happy and to love my body. I just want to be a real person. I want to connect with people on a real level. No faking it.

I have been in an all time low during this struggling time for me. I know what it feels like. Feeling totally hopeless and that this could be the way that I feel forever. But through the help of a few specialists, I am on the right track to getting back to my happy self. Someone that I have missed for a while.

I pray for a peaceful mind and a rest from anxiety and sadness. I also pray to change my mind that I can love my body, even though it seems like it is fighting against me most of the time with stomach aches, or worries. And to know that I am healthy, and for me, skinny isn't the goal. My health is the goal. When I can know that, I will know I am on the path to joy and peace.

I have a new goal as well. That is being more real and vulnerable with people. It is something that I struggle with, but there you have it. I struggle with body image and finding happiness. I have real problems. But I am overcoming it. Because I deserve it. And I deserve to be happy again soon. It is hard for me to open up on here, but why endure struggle if I can't help someone else on their way who is struggling as well? Everybody has hard things in their life. But not everyone will admit it. I just couldn't keep it in any longer.